Grief

I have been hesitant to write anything here in the last four months because, frankly, I don't know what to say. My Love has been ripped from me and anything I could think of to say was indeed anticlimactic.
But maybe because some time has passed, I want to try to put into words what I am feeling. So many people ask me how I am and I struggle to answer. Honestly, I don't think they want to know. If I truly shared how I am I fear they would never ask again.
It has been suggested that I join a bereavement group. It's not something I see myself doing. I just don't feel like sharing. Don't know why except I just feel what I am feeling is private and I don't want it up for discussion with people I don't know.

I also have decided to stop sharing with just about anyone. I know it's a pain to hear what I have to say. I know people are probably sick of it by now and I understand that.

I'm a downer. People don't know what to say, what to do. I make them feel helpless and it's not what people want to hear or feel.

It's OK. I can do this by myself. I know technically I'm not alone. John's here. No, I'm not being crazy. I know he's passed on but we were too close to let death separate us.

It's been four months now and people have their own lives. It's all right. I'll be OK.

If I do share how I feel at this point all I get is "Time will heal, make it better." or "You need to move on."

Yeah, I get that. But unless you have had your heart ripped out in an instant and everything you had planned for your future with the only person in this world who mattered to you was taken away without so much as a hint of warning no one has any idea what I am feeling.

I'm not criticizing them. I'm not saying I have the mourning market cornered and I am the only one going through this.

What I am saying is that platitudes don't work and they don't help. In fact, platitudes make me angry.

No one can know what this feels like.

This feels so bad I would not even wish it on someone I didn't like.

Yes, a bereavement group would be made up of other people going through the same thing and that might be useful. But everyone's relationship is different. Knowing someone else feels the same way as I do doesn't really help me.

So, they feel that way too. So, I'm normal. I get it.

Now what?

See what I'm saying?

I just need to do this my own way. I need to do it the way it makes me feel all right. If that means keeping John's slippers under the dresser and keeping his name on the checking account, then that's what I'm going to do.

John's death has changed me. It's the most profound change I will ever go through in my life. I am never going to be old Joy. She's gone. Whatever Joy I turn into now is going to be changed by my experience. That's true of all of us. We are the sum of our parts, our experiences. And this experience is the biggest there is for me.

It may not be a bad Joy that I turn into, but it's going to be a different Joy.

It pisses me off when people look at me and tell me [like some do] that I seem better. To me what I hear is that I'm "getting over" John's death and things can go back to the way they were.

No, they will never go back to the way they were. Things are different now.

They will always be different now. Most people don't understand that. Because most people are threatened by that. Because it could happen to them too. And that's very scary.

Is there a point to this blog entry? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's just good to get it out.
Maybe I need to start a blog about just this.

John Collins 1943 - 2010

My sweet sweet love, my life, my soulmate has died. I will not say he is gone. He will never be gone. But he is no longer here with me in this physical world.
Friday was his funeral. Something I never thought I would be writing.
John and I just recently started getting Social Security checks and he qualified for Medicare and we often remarked to each other "How did these words creep into our vocabulary? Weren't we just flower children recently?"
Yet, now the words viewing and funeral and cremation are words I have had to utter. I am numb. I feel as if my heart has been plucked out of my chest. There is not an inch of this house that doesn't remind me of him.
We always told each other that we were true soulmates. That may sound trite but it was true. We both remembered the instant we first laid eyes on each other. It was as if our souls recognized each other. Why else would it have had such an impact on us?
I was offered the opportunity to say a few words of remembrance at his Requiem Mass but I knew I could never get through it so one of the women of the Church read it for me and did a beautiful job.
I want to leave those words here.

John was truly the love of my life and it is very hard to put the depth of my feelings right now into words so I’m going to just do the best I can.

My John was a kind and very loving man as I am sure all of you know. A testament to that is your presence here today honoring his life. What struck me time and again when I told people about his passing was how everyone always remarked about John’s quick smile and his hearty laugh. John loved life. Yet, John always told me he was not afraid to die. He knew there was unbounded Love waiting to receive him. He taught me that. He taught me a lot and I am so grateful to have had the life I did with him. I ache that it was so short. We had 32 years together but twice that would not be enough. We loved each other very much. I never doubted his love for a minute. It was my one constant in life with him. My only solace is that he is at peace now and I have eternity to spend with him when my time comes.

AZ - going back in time

The Republican Convention in 2012 is going to be held in Tampa, bypassing AZ. Just another boycott over AZ's anti-illegal-immigration law.
And what is our illustrious Senator's reaction....
wait for it...
still waiting...
That's right. Nothing.
All he can come up with is voicing support for a law that he didn't in essence support a few years ago when he used to be a "maverick". Now all he does is make cheesy ads about building fences while the revenue for this state goes out the window.
Just today gov brewer signed into law a mandate banning ethnic studies.
AZ is a laughing stock and the butt of late-night jokes. Our hospitality industry is being decimated.
And our leaders are making it worse.

The immigration debate

I realize I may not be popular in AZ with my ideas but I just don't think the new immigration law is the answer.
The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. What makes us think that making more rules and restrictions is going to solve the immigration problem? And why is it a problem? Why can't we change our mind set to view immigration as a good thing that should be supported? Why not look at the issue with new eyes and new ideas?
Quotas and borders are last century. We are a new global planet family now. What happens to one country affects us all. Haven't we learned that with the economic problems we have had in the last couple of years?
Instead of making it harder for people to move between countries why not come up with a method that tracks but allows?
I know the arguments about using our resources and the threat of terrorism. They are valid arguments. I don't have all the answers. I just think we need to think outside the box not in it.

AZ in the news

I guess by now just about everyone in the country knows that AZ passes an immigration law yesterday. There is much controversy about it on both sides. Frankly, I am sad to see it in place. I understand we have a problem in this state. I just don't think this is the answer.
In the long run, it's going to hurt AZ. We are already seeing groups thinking about taking their revenue elsewhere. What is that going to do to the employment market, the housing market, the hospitality market?
The budget is being cut to make ends meet but now we are going to have legal costs. I think AZ is headed in the wrong direction. I hope this coming election can get us back on the right path.

Trust - again

Had a very upsetting incident with a family member recently and while I thought I was over it long ago [this wasn't the first encounter] I was surprised by how much I felt hurt. But I am determined to find the good in this. To use it as a growing experience. Some will call that Pollyanna. I call it maturing. We come here to learn and master. If we don't, we are doomed to experience the same issues over and over until we do. There has been a running theme in my life of similar patterns that I am just now seeing as if for the first time. I think it's because until now I hadn't learned the lesson. Now I see what is there in front of me, what had been in front of me all along. Problem is I am not sure what the lesson is. But at least now I see a pattern.

Trajedy in the mines

Every day workers die on the job. The sad events of the last few days regarding the miners who were killed and those who may still be trapped is heartbreaking. The fact that this mine had so many violations is outrageous. But this incident is not unique.
For more information, go here.