The Non-factual Mr. Kyl

Everyone watched this week I'm sure while the House of Representatives fought to lower the proposed budget, mostly by offering to deny funding to organizations that help the poor and middle class. Nowhere did Isee an offer to force corporations to pay their fair share [remember GE's zero tax bill?]. No millionaires and billionaires were in danger of coughing anything up to help the deficit. No, instead organizations like the EPA and NPR and Planned Parenthood were on the chopping block.
And yesterday on the Senate floor in a blatant attempt at "non-factual" behavior, Senator Kyl made remarks about how Planned Parenthood spent its funds. When caught, his office made the most ridiculous retort I have heard in years: his remark was not intended to be a factual statement.
Really?  
No where in his remarks did he state that. No he stated his "facts" as if they were true. I was taught that that was a LIE!
There seems to be no depth the republicans will stoop to to further their agenda against the middle and poor class and now women. Don't forget this when it is time to vote.

Wisconsin

I grew up in a union family. My father's job, our insurance coverage, his wages, his working hours - were all safeguarded by his union. I am not naive enough to believe that unions are the answer to every working person's trouble but this country's history  includes the hard work and the benefits that have been won by the ability of this country's labor force to unite and bargain for fair treatment.
What happened in Wisconsin by republican thieves was beyond the pale. Watching that video of how they rammed that law through, knowing full well what they were doing to their own constituents who were so strongly against that bill made my blood boil. They should be ashamed of themselves but in true rethug style, they are proud.
Of course they are. They made their rich supporters richer by stripping the workers of every right they have.
I hope every one of those who voted for that bill last night is recalled as quickly as possible. And next year as soon as he is eligible, walker needs to be sent packing too. Let him go crying to his koch brother friends. He is a shameful example of what money buys in today's political arena.

More AZ craziness

AZ [read brewer and the de facto gov pearse] has refused to listen to reason and fund the transplant program, condemning now-96 people to death. But this week they gave $5 million to Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu so that he could create an anti-smuggling unit, something his own county supervisors wouldn't do. Odd that Mr Babeeu is possibly running for the congressional seat being vacated by Rep. Jeff Flake who is possibly running for the soon to be vacated Senate seat left by Jon Kyl.
And apparently we also need a state gun.
And now pearse can decide who can and who can not be in a public building and have those he decides should not be in said building arrested.
And brewer managed to get millions dollars donated to help defend SB 1070.
But no work on jobs or the economy. Just cut more funds, like aid for the poor, and pass more bigoted anti-immigration bills.

The Supremes and the Tea Party

Lately we have been finding out that several of our Supreme Court Justices have been "palling around" with Tea Party groups and the Koch brothers. Way to go to undermine confidence in the last chance we have for checks and balances in our country, where the Constitution is supposed to be impartially upheld. How can we feel that true justice will be done when the very people who make these decisions are being openly courted by people with obvious agendas?

• Justice Antonin Scalia spoke to a meeting organized by the House Tea Party Caucus
• Scalia and his colleague Clarence Thomas attended Koch-hosted fund-raising sessions
• Justice Alito has been a fundraiser for right-wing political causes

If these justices can't conduct themselves in the manner that befits their position, then they need to resign - or be impeached.

The AZ Govt. vs human lives

After a long hiatus, I have decided to start writing on this blog again.
Circumstances in my adopted state have occurred that I just feel compelled to speak about. If you have been following me on Facebook, you know how I feel about the current governor and her staff. Today's story is typical.
In her "wisdom" and in an effort to fix the budget [you know that budget that she claimed to have balanced during the campaign], brewer cut transplant benefits from the AZ insurance plan, essentially dooming 98 citizens. Now she is proposing to cut further benefits from Medicaid, something she is not allowed to do and is trying to get permission from the Federal government to do so.
But if she does this, she is dooming more citizens. And what does she think is going to happen to those people without benefits? When they get ill, they will go to the emergency rooms of our state where they will be cared for. Then those hospitals will be forced to absorb those costs because there will be no insurance coverage. It's a never ending cycle.
Maybe instead of spending time mounting frivolous lawsuits in an attempt to repeal the new health care reform bill or trying to start new legislation attempting to get only people with AZ-approved birth certificates on the ballots, brewer and her legislature should spend time fixing our budget so that ALL Arizonans are cared for.

Grief

I have been hesitant to write anything here in the last four months because, frankly, I don't know what to say. My Love has been ripped from me and anything I could think of to say was indeed anticlimactic.
But maybe because some time has passed, I want to try to put into words what I am feeling. So many people ask me how I am and I struggle to answer. Honestly, I don't think they want to know. If I truly shared how I am I fear they would never ask again.
It has been suggested that I join a bereavement group. It's not something I see myself doing. I just don't feel like sharing. Don't know why except I just feel what I am feeling is private and I don't want it up for discussion with people I don't know.

I also have decided to stop sharing with just about anyone. I know it's a pain to hear what I have to say. I know people are probably sick of it by now and I understand that.

I'm a downer. People don't know what to say, what to do. I make them feel helpless and it's not what people want to hear or feel.

It's OK. I can do this by myself. I know technically I'm not alone. John's here. No, I'm not being crazy. I know he's passed on but we were too close to let death separate us.

It's been four months now and people have their own lives. It's all right. I'll be OK.

If I do share how I feel at this point all I get is "Time will heal, make it better." or "You need to move on."

Yeah, I get that. But unless you have had your heart ripped out in an instant and everything you had planned for your future with the only person in this world who mattered to you was taken away without so much as a hint of warning no one has any idea what I am feeling.

I'm not criticizing them. I'm not saying I have the mourning market cornered and I am the only one going through this.

What I am saying is that platitudes don't work and they don't help. In fact, platitudes make me angry.

No one can know what this feels like.

This feels so bad I would not even wish it on someone I didn't like.

Yes, a bereavement group would be made up of other people going through the same thing and that might be useful. But everyone's relationship is different. Knowing someone else feels the same way as I do doesn't really help me.

So, they feel that way too. So, I'm normal. I get it.

Now what?

See what I'm saying?

I just need to do this my own way. I need to do it the way it makes me feel all right. If that means keeping John's slippers under the dresser and keeping his name on the checking account, then that's what I'm going to do.

John's death has changed me. It's the most profound change I will ever go through in my life. I am never going to be old Joy. She's gone. Whatever Joy I turn into now is going to be changed by my experience. That's true of all of us. We are the sum of our parts, our experiences. And this experience is the biggest there is for me.

It may not be a bad Joy that I turn into, but it's going to be a different Joy.

It pisses me off when people look at me and tell me [like some do] that I seem better. To me what I hear is that I'm "getting over" John's death and things can go back to the way they were.

No, they will never go back to the way they were. Things are different now.

They will always be different now. Most people don't understand that. Because most people are threatened by that. Because it could happen to them too. And that's very scary.

Is there a point to this blog entry? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's just good to get it out.
Maybe I need to start a blog about just this.

John Collins 1943 - 2010

My sweet sweet love, my life, my soulmate has died. I will not say he is gone. He will never be gone. But he is no longer here with me in this physical world.
Friday was his funeral. Something I never thought I would be writing.
John and I just recently started getting Social Security checks and he qualified for Medicare and we often remarked to each other "How did these words creep into our vocabulary? Weren't we just flower children recently?"
Yet, now the words viewing and funeral and cremation are words I have had to utter. I am numb. I feel as if my heart has been plucked out of my chest. There is not an inch of this house that doesn't remind me of him.
We always told each other that we were true soulmates. That may sound trite but it was true. We both remembered the instant we first laid eyes on each other. It was as if our souls recognized each other. Why else would it have had such an impact on us?
I was offered the opportunity to say a few words of remembrance at his Requiem Mass but I knew I could never get through it so one of the women of the Church read it for me and did a beautiful job.
I want to leave those words here.

John was truly the love of my life and it is very hard to put the depth of my feelings right now into words so I’m going to just do the best I can.

My John was a kind and very loving man as I am sure all of you know. A testament to that is your presence here today honoring his life. What struck me time and again when I told people about his passing was how everyone always remarked about John’s quick smile and his hearty laugh. John loved life. Yet, John always told me he was not afraid to die. He knew there was unbounded Love waiting to receive him. He taught me that. He taught me a lot and I am so grateful to have had the life I did with him. I ache that it was so short. We had 32 years together but twice that would not be enough. We loved each other very much. I never doubted his love for a minute. It was my one constant in life with him. My only solace is that he is at peace now and I have eternity to spend with him when my time comes.