Saturday, September 25, 2010

Grief

I have been hesitant to write anything here in the last four months because, frankly, I don't know what to say. My Love has been ripped from me and anything I could think of to say was indeed anticlimactic.
But maybe because some time has passed, I want to try to put into words what I am feeling. So many people ask me how I am and I struggle to answer. Honestly, I don't think they want to know. If I truly shared how I am I fear they would never ask again.
It has been suggested that I join a bereavement group. It's not something I see myself doing. I just don't feel like sharing. Don't know why except I just feel what I am feeling is private and I don't want it up for discussion with people I don't know.
I also have decided to stop sharing with just about anyone. I know it's a pain to hear what I have to say. I know people are probably sick of it by now and I understand that.
I'm a downer. People don't know what to say, what to do. I make them feel helpless and it's not what people want to hear or feel.
It's OK. I can do this by myself. I know technically I'm not alone. John's here. No, I'm not being crazy. I know he's passed on but we were too close to let death separate us.
It's been four months now and people have their own lives. It's all right. I'll be OK.
If I do share how I feel at this point all I get is "Time will heal, make it better." or "You need to move on."
Yeah, I get that. But unless you have had your heart ripped out in an instant and everything you had planned for your future with the only person in this world who mattered to you was taken away without so much as a hint of warning no one has any idea what I am feeling.
I'm not criticizing them. I'm not saying I have the mourning market cornered and I am the only one going through this.
What I am saying is that platitudes don't work and they don't help. In fact, platitudes make me angry.
No one can know what this feels like.
This feels so bad I would not even wish it on someone I didn't like.
Yes, a bereavement group would be made up of other people going through the same thing and that might be useful. But everyone's relationship is different. Knowing someone else feels the same way as I do doesn't really help me.
So, they feel that way too. So, I'm normal. I get it.
Now what?
See what I'm saying?
I just need to do this my own way. I need to do it the way it makes me feel all right. If that means keeping John's slippers under the dresser and keeping his name on the checking account, then that's what I'm going to do.
John's death has changed me. It's the most profound change I will ever go through in my life. I am never going to be old Joy. She's gone. Whatever Joy I turn into now is going to be changed by my experience. That's true of all of us. We are the sum of our parts, our experiences. And this experience is the biggest there is for me.
It may not be a bad Joy that I turn into, but it's going to be a different Joy.
It pisses me off when people look at me and tell me [like some do] that I seem better. To me what I hear is that I'm "getting over" John's death and things can go back to the way they were.
No, they will never go back to the way they were. Things are different now.
They will always be different now. Most people don't understand that. Because most people are threatened by that. Because it could happen to them too. And that's very scary.
Is there a point to this blog entry? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's just good to get it out.
Maybe I need to start a blog about just this.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

John Collins 1943 - 2010


My sweet sweet love, my life, my soulmate has died. I will not say he is gone. He will never be gone. But he is no longer here with me in this physical world.
Friday was his funeral. Something I never thought I would be writing.
John and I just recently started getting Social Security checks and he qualified for Medicare and we often remarked to each other "How did these words creep into our vocabulary? Weren't we just flower children recently?"
Yet, now the words viewing and funeral and cremation are words I have had to utter. I am numb. I feel as if my heart has been plucked out of my chest. There is not an inch of this house that doesn't remind me of him.
We always told each other that we were true soulmates. That may sound trite but it was true. We both remembered the instant we first laid eyes on each other. It was as if our souls recognized each other. Why else would it have had such an impact on us?
I was offered the opportunity to say a few words of remembrance at his Requiem Mass but I knew I could never get through it so one of the women of the Church read it for me and did a beautiful job.
I want to leave those words here.

John was truly the love of my life and it is very hard to put the depth of my feelings right now into words so I’m going to just do the best I can.

My John was a kind and very loving man as I am sure all of you know. A testament to that is your presence here today honoring his life. What struck me time and again when I told people about his passing was how everyone always remarked about John’s quick smile and his hearty laugh. John loved life. Yet, John always told me he was not afraid to die. He knew there was unbounded Love waiting to receive him. He taught me that. He taught me a lot and I am so grateful to have had the life I did with him. I ache that it was so short. We had 32 years together but twice that would not be enough. We loved each other very much. I never doubted his love for a minute. It was my one constant in life with him. My only solace is that he is at peace now and I have eternity to spend with him when my time comes.


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

AZ - going back in time

The Republican Convention in 2012 is going to be held in Tampa, bypassing AZ. Just another boycott over AZ's anti-illegal-immigration law.
And what is our illustrious Senator's reaction....
wait for it...
still waiting...
That's right. Nothing.
All he can come up with is voicing support for a law that he didn't in essence support a few years ago when he used to be a "maverick". Now all he does is make cheesy ads about building fences while the revenue for this state goes out the window.
Just today gov brewer signed into law a mandate banning ethnic studies.
AZ is a laughing stock and the butt of late-night jokes. Our hospitality industry is being decimated.
And our leaders are making it worse.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

The immigration debate

I realize I may not be popular in AZ with my ideas but I just don't think the new immigration law is the answer.
The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. What makes us think that making more rules and restrictions is going to solve the immigration problem? And why is it a problem? Why can't we change our mind set to view immigration as a good thing that should be supported? Why not look at the issue with new eyes and new ideas?
Quotas and borders are last century. We are a new global planet family now. What happens to one country affects us all. Haven't we learned that with the economic problems we have had in the last couple of years?
Instead of making it harder for people to move between countries why not come up with a method that tracks but allows?
I know the arguments about using our resources and the threat of terrorism. They are valid arguments. I don't have all the answers. I just think we need to think outside the box not in it.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

AZ in the news

I guess by now just about everyone in the country knows that AZ passes an immigration law yesterday. There is much controversy about it on both sides. Frankly, I am sad to see it in place. I understand we have a problem in this state. I just don't think this is the answer.
In the long run, it's going to hurt AZ. We are already seeing groups thinking about taking their revenue elsewhere. What is that going to do to the employment market, the housing market, the hospitality market?
The budget is being cut to make ends meet but now we are going to have legal costs. I think AZ is headed in the wrong direction. I hope this coming election can get us back on the right path.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Trust - again

Had a very upsetting incident with a family member recently and while I thought I was over it long ago [this wasn't the first encounter] I was surprised by how much I felt hurt. But I am determined to find the good in this. To use it as a growing experience. Some will call that Pollyanna. I call it maturing. We come here to learn and master. If we don't, we are doomed to experience the same issues over and over until we do. There has been a running theme in my life of similar patterns that I am just now seeing as if for the first time. I think it's because until now I hadn't learned the lesson. Now I see what is there in front of me, what had been in front of me all along. Problem is I am not sure what the lesson is. But at least now I see a pattern.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Trajedy in the mines

Every day workers die on the job. The sad events of the last few days regarding the miners who were killed and those who may still be trapped is heartbreaking. The fact that this mine had so many violations is outrageous. But this incident is not unique.
For more information, go here.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Alleluia! He is Risen!

Enjoy!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Peace and love to all

Regardless of what our particular belief may be, I know we all wish peace and love for each other.
At this sacred time of year, let us extend a hand to each other in solidarity - the solidarity of love.
Happy Easter!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

What a week!

Health care reform.
The repubs self-destructing.
I love it.
Now, instead of everybody whining about how much this health care reform is going to cost, how about focusing on the good things and how it's going to protect us in the long term? The costs can be tweaked and the law can be improved over time. You don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Yes we did!

Today is a beautiful morning. Last night history was made as the House passed the Health Care Reform bill.
The Republicans showed themselves to be not only divisive but extremely selfish and self-serving, portraying themselves on national television in a way that was deplorable. How can they actually believe that they are serving their constituents? They have offered nothing but obstructionism and they have incited an ugly side to politics not seen since the Civil Rights movement.
Yet, despite their actions, the Democrats were able to do what no one has been able to do for decades. And this President - this black President - let's face it - you know that still rankles many - this President was able to accomplish what no one else has.
This is what change is. This is what the right thing is. This is the hope I voted for.
Thank you, Mr. President.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Down to the wire

Well, the historic health care reform vote is just days away. And as I watched President Obama give a rousing speech this morning, I am still in awe. We are a lucky nation. We have a President who truly cares and who will do what he said he would do.
He still brings tears of pride to my eyes.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Sick

Looking forward to health care reform getting past this week. Also, realizing that it doesn't take much to knock you back on your keester [right now I am suffering with sinus pain, cough, and congestion] and the security of knowing that I have enough insurance to get help if I need it is something that all Americans should be able to have regardless of financial standing.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The power of positive thinking

I was out shopping yesterday. I love beading. It's my new hobby and I find it very relaxing. I also find it very relaxing to shop for beads. especially when I have a coupon. Which I did. So there I was at one of my favorite bead stores, browsing.
Soon, I was aware of a conversation going on between two women in the store. I wasn't eavesdropping. Their conversation was loud enough for anyone to hear and I didn't get the impression they cared if anyone heard. They were having a good time conversing and occasionally other people offered comments as well.
That's not my point.
What is my point was the topic. Men. A fine topic.
But the attitude of one of the women disturbed me. She was obviously going through a rough patch in her relationship and was upset about that. But she was also painting all men with the same brush as her current partner.
I found that disturbing. Not because of her attitude toward men. She is certainly entitled to it. But it disturbed me that she didn't see that her attitude was going to bring her more of the same. I almost left the store because of her negativity.
Maybe that's a small thing. But so often we don't realize that our attitude really does affect our outcomes and experiences. Expect the worst and it will often happen, maybe even because we drew it to ourselves.
Too New Agey for you? That's OK. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
But this is mine.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Women's Hockey at the Olympics

USA and Canada played a great game yesterday. Canada won Gold and USA won Silver.
You'd think any team would be happy and proud. Yes, it's hard to lose. But this is the Olympics. How many teams get to play there at all, let alone win a medal?
Yet, I was disappointed and ashamed of the USA's team. I thought they displayed poor sportsmanship at the medal ceremony. Their sad faces at "only" winning Silver was in poor taste, in my estimation.
And when one of the payers said later that "...It sucks to win silver.", I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
Then give up your paltry Silver Medal to someone who will appreciate it. Disgusting.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Health care summit

So far I am not hearing a lot of bipartisanship. I hope it happens more and more as the day goes on but the body language isn't encouraging. So far, the Repubs are spouting the same misstatement of facts.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Winter Olympics 2010

Wow!
That's all I can say. Wow!
Okay, I have to say more. This is my blog, after all. But Wow pretty much sums it up. It is so gratifying to watch athletes come together every few years to compete in such a spirit of sportsmanship and camaraderie. And to watch the human spirit soar.
Last night's offerings were nothing less that absolutely awesome.
Shaun White reached stratospheric heights. To watch this fresh-faced young man and experience the exhilaration of that win was a gift.
Shani Davis was poetry in motion. And a truly nice young man as well. A pleasure to watch. He made it look so easy.
And who cannot relate to the exhilaration expressed by Lindsey Vonn when she won her Gold Medal? I cried along with her as she celebrated her win.
Congratulations, all!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Nurse on trial

I wonder if any of you are following the trial in TX or if you are even aware there is a trial going on in TX that could have far-reaching effects? A nurse is being tried on criminal charges because she did her job and reported a doctor for practicing bad medicine. See the story here.
If she is found guilty, I wonder how many other nurses will think twice before they stand up for their patients or just look the other way when a doctor does wrong? Then what will the complaint be? That she didn't do her job as mandated by her Nurse Practice Act? That she wasn't a patient advocate? We have too few nurses as it is. It's time we stood up behind the ones who are still in the trenches taking care of us. The next time we need someone in our corner when we are sick, there just may be no one but a bad-practicing doctor.
UPDATED: The nurse was acquitted. This is a good day.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Time to grow up

Are you as tired of all the political bickering as I am? Am I the only one who thinks that the name calling and the lines being drawn in the sand are counter-productive?
We have elected leaders who think it's OK to hold the country hostage because their particular state did not get the pork they want [Shelby]. Or Senators who say one thing one year and then conveniently forget what they said and claim the exact opposite a few years later when asked the same question. Hello? We have a thing called video files now. We know what you said and we can play it to show you up [McCain].
Or political aspirants who cowtow to a radio talk show host and say it's OK for him to say something derogatory but not someone else because it's politically expedient [Palin].
The one common theme here is that these are all Republicans. I'm sure I could find Democrats who are guilty of similar things but right now the GOP is on my last nerve. Regardless of what party they belong to, politicians are there to serve this country, not their own political agenda.
Grow up already and do your job.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Insomnia cure

I have been suffering from insomnia lately and frustrated with its cure. I think I have hit on it finally.
No TV at night.
That was easy.
No more murder and mayhem, even the fictional kind. Even the canned laughter was wearing thin.
For the past two nights, I have been reading calming inspirational material and have been finding myself getting relaxed and able to get to sleep earlier and staying asleep all night. Even dreaming more.
Now, if only the cats would cooperate and not find 1 AM to be their favorite playtime.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Met a real live Republican last night

And it wasn't fun. We went out to dinner last night and because of the storm the restaurant did not have too many customers. While we waited for our check the gentleman at the next table started a conversation with us. Unfortunately, the talk turned to politics and the stuff that came out of his mouth was unbelievable. He seemed like a nice enough guy at first. He was older, a businessman. But , man oh man, what he believed! He thought he would have voted for Brown [the guy who just won the Massachusetts Senator seat] because he had a truck and "he's one of us".
Really? That proves it to you? Set the bar pretty low, I take it?
He also thought that Brown's comments that his daughters were "available" on national TV was "just a joke" and his daughters were okay with that comment.
Good ole Republican family values.
He also agreed with the Supreme Court recent decision giving corporations freedom of speech allowing them to contribute to political campaigns. How nice for him. See how he feels when some foreign company buys an election. But hey, no government interference for him. Just corporate interference - or more than we already have.
Thank goodness our check came by then and we were able to leave. Or I might have lost my dinner.

Monday, January 18, 2010

The miracles in Haiti



Please keep the people of this country in your prayers. And send money, if you can, to support this humanitarian effort.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Haiti

By now, just about everyone knows about the devastation in Haiti in the aftermath of that horrendous earthquake. How can anyone not feel anything but compassion for these people and not be stirred to help in some way? Anyone indeed, unless your thinking prompts you to say something like the people of Haiti deserved this because their forefathers made a pact with the devil years ago or that the President of this country is going to use this to increase his standing with the black community.
Really?
It saddens me to see that there are people in this country who will use their position on the airwaves to spout this drivel; who will attempt to exploit this situation to further their own agenda.
Talk about devilish behavior.
My friend's Grandmother told her that "when people show you who and what they are, believe them." These people have definitely shown us what they are and I hope this country believes them and turns their back on them.
The people of Haiti deserve our compassion, our help, and our prayers. Show the world what we are.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Will they ever get it right?

I can't tell you how disappointed I am with the Obama administration and how frustrated I am with this current Congress. We were promised change. We voted for change. We want and NEED change and what did we get? More of the same. Maybe worse.
Why Pres O wants to even attempt any overture toward bipartisanship is beyond me. The other side has made it clear they will do nothing to compromise and in fact want every Democratic initiative to fail. How can you work with that kind of an attitude?
Even though their claims have been proven to be lies, the G-O-No still passes off their crap as truth.
And don't get me started on Lieberman. Tanking the extended Medicare age option was something I really wanted. Thanks to his actions, it seems gone. Thanks a lot to someone who doesn't have to worry about his insurance plan. Way to go to help the people who elected you. You don't think we really believed your reasons, do you? Do you really think we are that stupid?
So how will this all end up? It remains to be seen but I can guarantee you that the Baby Boomers will be watching carefully and voicing their opinion come election day.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

Well, a brand new year lays before us.
What will it bring? The optimist in me hopes for great things.
The pessimist in me fears more of the same as last year - political wranglings, the blame game, big groups taking advantage of the little guy.
What to do?
Well, do what you can - write letters, make phone calls, make donations to causes you believe in.
Then, look around at your own local circle and see where you can make a difference.
Volunteer at a local soup kitchen or animal shelter. Join a book discussion group and make new friends. Become active in your church. Read books that will uplift your spirit and expand your consciousness.
It's not good to dwell on the sometimes depressing world scene. Dr Weil recommends a news fast and I have found it to be very helpful. We don't let the political arguments of the day into our home via the television. It's depressing and not good for the psyche.
It's true that what you put your attention to expands so put your attention to something that is uplifting and helpful to others. At the end of the day, if you want to feel good about yourself, that will only happen if you are kind and loving. There are many organizations that would love to have you as a member, giving back to the community.
Make this the year that you give.
Happy New Year!